German international footballers Michael Ballack and Oliver Kahn romped to a sensational victory today over the use of their names to sell special World Cup dildos.
The lads received €50,000 each after a court in Hamburg found that dildos 'Michael B' and 'Ollie K' were named in reference to them without their permission.
The similarities didn't end there, though. 'Michael B' was found to be over-priced, prone to breakdown and lethargic if used more than once a month. The 'Ollie K' dildo flew off the handle easily, was covered in ginger pubes and repeatedly emitted a noise that sounded uncannily like 'Sheringham no!'
Ballack was disappointed with the episode but nonetheless seemed determined to play down its seriousness. "Yeah of course it's embarrassing, nobody likes to look like a dildo, but at least I wasn't found dogging some bird in Ayia Napa with Rio Ferdinand while Kieron Dyer taped it all on his video camera in 2000."
Kahn, speaking from an insane asylum in rural north Germany, said he was happy with the final result. "Playing in my position I don't get to score much so I was happy to hit the back of so many German nets, but my family name was at stake here so I had to clear this up."
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